Funny Retirement Quotes: Retiring is a big change worth celebrating! After so many years of alarm clocks and deadlines, it’s time to party and enjoy life. Send off retirees with lots of laughter and joyful jokes. Funny retirement quotes can make everyone smile and keep things positive. Whether it’s humor about finally having free time or silly advice for retirees, funny sayings are a great way to honor folks wrapping up their careers while keeping the mood upbeat.

In this article, we’ve gathered over 175+ funny retirement quotes ideal for cards, speeches or social media. From comedians to philosophers, these amusing retirement quotes will give retirees the perfect funny farewell. So read on for lots of laughs and smiles! As retirement approaches, take time to mark the milestone with humor and cheer.

Funny Retirement QuotesFunny Retirement Quotes

  1. “Retirement is when you have to get up in the morning and have nothing to do. I’ve been happily retired for 30 years now.” – Robert Brault
  2. “Retirement is like a long vacation in Las Vegas. The goal is to enjoy it the fullest, but not so fully that you run out of money.” – Jonathan Clements
  3. “The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off.” – Abe Lemons
  4. “I’m retired, I don’t have any money problems. You should’ve seen my problems when I did have money.” – George Burns
  5. “I have so much money, I can’t even remember who I’m not lending it to.” – Robert Brault
  6. “Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.” – George Burns
  7. “Retirement: It’s nice to get out of the rat race, but you have to learn to get along with less cheese.” – Gene Perret
  8. “I work 40 hours a week to be retired 15 hours a day.” – Robert Brault
  9. “My first day of retirement, I got up and had nothing to do. So I went back to work.” – Robert Brault
  10. “Retire? I’m going to stay in show business until I’m the only one left.” – Bob Hope
  11. “I’m very pleased with my new retirement job. I’m a greeter at Walmart. Which means I get to work outside, welcome people to the store and, best of all, retire whenever I want.” – Bill Dana
  12. “Retirement is the ugliest word in the language.” – Ernest Hemingway
  13. “Retirement is like a long vacation in Las Vegas. The goal is to enjoy it the fullest, but not so fully that you run out of money.” – Jonathan Clements
  14. “My retirement plan is I’m just going to work until I drop dead and then roll around the house.” – Kathy Griffin
  15. “I’m not really retiring, I’m just going to spend more time fishing at my computer.” – Unknown
  16. “Retirement means more time for naps and hobbyshops.” – Unknown
  17. “Congratulations on your new job title: retired!” – Unknown
  18. “Out to pasture at last – retirement starts now!” – Unknown
  19. “Don’t call it retirement, call it the new adventure.” – Unknown

Funny Retirement Quotes for CoworkersFunny Retirement Quotes for Coworkers

  1. “We all wish you weren’t the one retiring, because you brightened our office like a ray of light. But may your days ahead shine even brighter.”
  2. “I’m happy you get to retire, but replacing you will be a mammoth task. Hope we’re still friends when I’ve gone extinct from the workload.”
  3. “Congrats on the retirement! I would say we’ll miss you, but we both know I can’t keep a straight face when I lie that big.”
  4. “We wanted to give you a nice retirement gift. But we decided keeping you around this long was gift enough.”
  5. “I heard retirement is twice as good as actually working. So for you, it will be four times better since you did half the work here.”
  6. “We wanted to get you a retirement gift, but then we realized: every day you don’t come in is a gift to us.”
  7. “I’m naming my next kidney stone after you so a little piece of you can pass painfully out of my life forever.”
  8. “We pitched in to buy you a retirement gift, but your goodbye was gift enough.”
  9. “I’m glad I won’t see you every day after you retire. I’m even gladder I saw you every day before you retired.”
  10. “We wanted to buy you a Rolex, but we didn’t want you to be reminded how slow time passes now.”
  11. “We were going to give you a gold watch, but we knew you were allergic to work.”
  12. “We wanted to get you golf clubs as a gift, but realized after you retire every day is a hole in one.”
  13. “Don’t think of this as goodbye, think of it as I’ll see you yesterday.”
  14. “We got you a dictionary as a retirement gift so you can look up ‘work’ since you won’t be doing it anymore.” – Unknown
  15. “Wishing you days as relaxed as your new dress code.” – Unknown
  16. “We pitched in for a retirement gift, it’s called a corner office – enjoy!” – Unknown
  17. “To a great colleague and friend, enjoy sleeping in!” – Unknown
  18. “Every day is casual Friday now, buddy!” – Unknown
  19. “We wanted to get you golf clubs, but realized retirement is one long hole-in-one.” – Unknown
  20. “May your morning commute be from bed to coffee maker.” – Unknown
  21. “Wishing you relaxing days and restful nights!” – Unknown
  22. “Here’s to naps instead of meetings!” – Unknown
  23. “May your days be full of whatever makes you happy!” – Unknown
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Funny Retirement Quotes for FriendsFunny Retirement Quotes for Friends

  1. “Happy retirement! Don’t think of it as leaving work behind, think of it as entering permanent happy hour.” – Unknown
  2. “Congratulations on your retirement! Let this exciting new chapter of your life be guidebook free and GPS reliant.” – Unknown
  3. “Wishing you a retirement that’s as fantastic as you are, you deserve the best adventures ahead!” – Unknown
  4. “To a true friend and colleague, may retirement bring you amazing new journeys to enjoy.” – Unknown
  5. “As you open this exciting new chapter in life, I hope all your retirement dreams come true – enjoy!” – Unknown
  6. “You’re entering a time meant for new discoveries – may you see, do and experience everything retirement has to offer!” – Unknown
  7. “Happy retirement to a friend for life! I can’t wait to hear about all the new adventures you’ll have.” – Unknown
  8. “To an amazing friend, congratulations on your retirement! I wish you endless moments of joy.” – Unknown
  9. “Retirement looks good on you – enjoy kicking back and taking it easy, you deserve it!” – Unknown
  10. “Let the retirement adventures begin! Wishing you an unforgettable journey ahead.” – Unknown
  11. “Congratulations on joining the retiree club, friend! Let the lounging commence.” – Unknown
  12. “To the world’s greatest friend – happy retirement! I’m excited for you.” – Unknown
  13. “Retirement is just around the riverbend for you! Here’s to new adventures.”
  14. “Wishing you smooth sailing into retirement, friend! You deserve it.”
  15. “You’re entering a time meant for new discoveries – may you see, do and experience everything retirement has to offer!”
  16. “To a loyal friend, may you look back with pride and ahead with joy.” – Unknown
  17. “This exciting chapter is all about you, my friend. Enjoy!” – Unknown
  18. “Cheers to a well-deserved break from the daily grind.” – Unknown
  19. “Hope retirement serves up endless cups of joy and laughter.”- Unknown
  20. “Congratulations on closing the book on your career and starting a new adventure.” – Unknown
  21. “You have my friendship in retirement as you did during our working days.” – Unknown
  22. “Thank you for the years of friendship and collaboration. Wishing you more relaxing days ahead.” – Unknown
  23. “I tip my hat to an incredible friend and colleague. Enjoy!” – Unknown
  24. “May blessings rain down on you through all your retired days.” – Unknown
  25. “To a loyal friend for life, best wishes on this new path!” – Unknown

Funny Retirement Quotes for WomenFunny Retirement Quotes for Women

  1. “Growing old is mandatory, growing up is optional. Welcome to your retirement!” – Unknown
  2. “You’re not getting older, you’re getting better every day – enjoy your retirement!” – Unknown
  3. “Age is just a number, and yours is finally retirement ready!” – Unknown
  4. “Cheers to the young-at-heart retiree who isn’t slowing down!” – Unknown
  5. “May your retirement be as radiant as you are.” – Unknown
  6. “Fairy tales can come true – you can have your dreams after retirement too!” – Unknown
  7. “Wishing you a future as bright and happy as your smile.” – Unknown
  8. “Don’t count the days, make the days count in this exciting retirement chapter.” – Unknown
  9. “The best is yet to come, enjoy this time meant just for you!” – Unknown
  10. “Bright new adventures are just around the corner for you!” – Unknown
  11. “To a stellar woman and colleague, wishing you all the best in your next chapter!” – Unknown
  12. “The possibilities are endless now that retirement begins, enjoy it!” – Unknown
  13. “Here’s to the wonder women who showed us how it’s done. Happy retirement!” – Unknown
  14. “The world is yours now! Embrace this time just for you.” – Unknown
  15. “You’re an inspiration yesterday, today and always – happy retirement!” – Unknown
  16. “You’re not retiring, you’re refining your already sparkling talents!” – Unknown
  17. “Age is just a number, enjoy these years meant just for you.” – Unknown
  18. “Don’t count the years, make the years count!” – Unknown
  19. “May you bloom and grow beautifully into retirement.” – Unknown
  20. “The best chapter is yet to be written!” – Unknown
  21. “Cheers to embracing the now and dreaming big.” – Unknown
  22. “Spread your wings and soar into your next adventure.” – Unknown
  23. “This exciting new chapter is all yours to write!” – Unknown
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Funny Retirement Quotes for Family MembersFunny Retirement Quotes for Family Members

  1. “Congratulations on your retirement, dad/mom! Now you can relax and make us kids do all the work.”
  2. “Happy retirement! Don’t worry, we’ll visit you…when we need money.”
  3. “Couldn’t have asked for a better role model growing up. Enjoy this well-deserved time off!”
  4. “We pitched in to buy you a timeshare for retirement, because quality family time is the best gift.”
  5. “Congrats on joining the retiree club. Let us know if you want tips – we’ve gotten pretty good at this not working thing.”
  6. “We wanted to buy you a fancy new car for retirement, but we spent all our inheritance already.”
  7. “I hope your retirement is as amazing as you are. Unless you’re going to use your free time to nag me more.”
  8. “We know you’ll enjoy retirement, just try not to embarrass us too much when you’re out exploring.”
  9. “Congratulations! Now you’ll have even more time to flood our phones with photos of your garden and pets.”
  10. “Wishing you all the adventures, naps and free samples your retired days can hold.”
  11. “To the world’s best mom/dad/grandpa, enjoy every minute – you deserve it!”
  12. “Happy retirement to the hardest working and most caring parent/grandparent ever!”
  13. “May you look back on your career with pride and look ahead with excitement.”
  14. “Congratulations on never having to set your alarm again!”
  15. “Don’t think of it as quitting, think of it as graduating to full-time fun.” – Unknown
  16. “You raised us right, now it’s your time to relax.” – Unknown
  17. “To the world’s best family member – enjoy!” – Unknown
  18. “Make the most of each moment, you’ve earned it.” – Unknown
  19. “You’re an example of hard work and perseverance. Happy retirement!” – Unknown
  20. “Thanks for the love and lessons along the way.” – Unknown
  21. “May you finally have time for all the projects and dreams you’ve been postponing.” – Unknown
  22. “We’re so proud of all you’ve accomplished, now it’s your turn to kick back!” – Unknown
  23. “You’ve raised us kids well, now focus on yourself.” – Unknown
  24. “Wishing you a fun-filled ride off into the sunset.” – Unknown

Funny Teacher Retirement QuotesFunny Teacher Retirement Quotes

  1. “No more pencils, no more books, no more teacher’s dirty looks!” – Popular rhyme
  2. “School’s out forever! Enjoy your permanent snow day.” – Unknown
  3. “This classroom will never be the same without you – enjoy your well-deserved time off!” – Unknown
  4. “Happy retirement! Here’s hoping none of your former students recognize you in public.” – Unknown
  5. “Congrats on making it to retirement despite us monsters! Enjoy doing whatever you want.” – Unknown
  6. “We pitched in to make sure your retirement includes plenty of apples – you deserve them!” – Unknown
  7. “We wanted to get you a gift, but we couldn’t think of anything you’d want besides peace and quiet!” – Unknown
  8. “Wishing you a relaxing retirement before one of us takes over your job!” – Unknown
  9. “To our favorite teacher – enjoy sleeping in and grading no papers, you’ve earned it!” – Unknown
  10. “We know you can’t wait to not deal with any of us ever again. Happy retirement!” – Unknown
  11. “Here’s hoping retirement brings you as much joy and fulfillment as teaching brought to us.” – Unknown
  12. “To the world’s most inspiring teacher – your guidance will never be forgotten.” – Unknown
  13. “You’ve given us so much, now it’s your time to put your feet up. Enjoy!” – Unknown
  14. “Congratulations on never having to scramble for a bathroom pass again!” – Unknown
  15. “We pitched in to get you noise cancelling headphones for retirement – you’ll need them after dealing with us!” – Unknown
  16. “Rise and shine whenever you feel like it!” – Unknown
  17. “No lesson plans, just travel plans!” – Unknown
  18. “You won’t be graded on how you spend retirement – enjoy!” – Unknown
  19. “Keep spreading knowledge, just without all the papers to grade.” – Unknown
  20. “We hope retirement treats you as well as you treated us.” – Unknown
  21. “Wishing you a homework-free future!” – Unknown
  22. “May your days ahead be full of joy.” – Unknown
  23. “We know you can’t wait to sleep in like your students.” – Unknown
  24. “Here’s to no more tests or pop quizzes!” – Unknown
  25. “You’ve taught us so much, now take time to enjoy life.” – Unknown
  26. “To our favorite teacher, enjoy your well-earned time off!” – Unknown
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Funny Retirement
 Quotes One LinersFunny Retirement Quotes One Liners

  1. “Don’t call it retirement; call it graduation!”
  2. “Retirement: twice as much husband, half as much money.”
  3. “Congratulations on your graduation from the School of Hard Knocks.”
  4. “Retirement is when 30 years of getting up at 6:00 AM finally pays off.”
  5. “You get to retire when the kids move back in.”
  6. “Retirement is like a long vacation in Las Vegas. The goal is to enjoy it the fullest, but not so fully that you run out of money.”
  7. “Retirement is the finish line of life’s workout.”
  8. “Retirement means more time for naps and hobbyshops.”
  9. “Congratulations on your new job title: retired!”
  10. “Out to pasture at last! Retirement starts now!”
  11. “Don’t call it retirement, call it the new adventure.”
  12. “The vacation starts now.”
  13. “Every day is a Saturday.”
  14. “My new title is professional slacker.”
  15. “Done working, more playing.”
  16. “Adios overtimes, hello naptimes.”
  17. “No more 9 to 5 grind, hello retirement and rewind.”
  18. “Let the lounging begin!” – Unknown
  19. “My office hours are now 24 hours…of leisure time.” – Unknown
  20. “I can finally sleep in and stay in pajamas.” – Unknown
  21. “Trading rush hour for nap hour.” – Unknown
  22. “No more Monday blues, just endless R&R.” – Unknown

Short Funny Retirement QuotesShort Funny Retirement Quotes

  1. “Rise and shine? No thanks, I’m retired.” – Unknown
  2. “Wake me when I care.” – Unknown
  3. “Part-time work, full-time fun.” – Unknown
  4. “Every day is Saturday.” – Unknown
  5. “My to-do list: 1. Nothing 2. See #1” – Unknown
  6. “My office is closed permanently.” – Unknown
  7. “No job? No problem.” – Unknown
  8. “Goodbye tension, hello pension.” – Unknown
  9. “Hasta la vista, work!” – Unknown
  10. “Hello retirement, goodbye alarm clock.” – Unknown
  11. “I’m not retiring – I’m refiring.” – Unknown
  12. “Time to stop the rat race and start the retirement race.” – Unknown
  13. “Out to pasture at last!” – Unknown
  14. “The vacation starts now.” – Unknown
  15. “Every day is a Saturday.” – Unknown
  16. “My new title is professional slacker.” – Unknown
  17. “Done working, more playing.” – Unknown
  18. “Adios overtimes, hello naptimes.” – Unknown
  19. “No more 9 to 5 grind, hello retirement and rewind.” – Unknown
  20. “Let the lounging begin!” – Unknown
  21. “No more Monday blues, just endless R&R.” – Unknown
  22. “I’m not retiring, I’m refining my already sparkling talents!” – Unknown
  23. “Trading rush hour for nap hour.” – Unknown
  24. “My office hours are now 24 hours…of leisure time.” – Unknown
  25. “I can finally sleep in and stay in pajamas.” – Unknown


Retiring from work is a really big deal that deserves to be celebrated and enjoyed. Funny sayings and jokes about retirement help make the change to not working anymore fun and memorable. The quotes above have a range of lighthearted quips that are good for retirement parties, cards, speeches and more. Even though not working will take some getting used to, it should be an exciting and happy time.

Retirement is the beginning of a new adventure full of relaxing, hobbies, spending time with family, and chasing all the dreams you’ve been waiting for. With these wise and funny retirement quotes, people starting this next phase can embrace it with a sense of humor. The future is looking bright for these brand new retirees!

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